You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i believe in u and ur pee
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The air taste purple.
Randomize
