Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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