Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
