My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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