HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
