My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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