My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
