Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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