I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Your face is a jimmy john
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize