hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
