Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
3 2 1 whiskey
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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