I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
