I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
