Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize