Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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