The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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