I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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