But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
