then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
