I just made out with a guy for $7.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
