who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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