When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
