i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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