my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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