If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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