Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
