Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
