to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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