woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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