help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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