the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
