I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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