people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
