I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
