she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
