Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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