i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
