We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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