My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize