I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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