onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
