Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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