Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
