Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
