Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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