i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
