It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
