Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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