Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize