no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize