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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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