between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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