Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
