I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
