his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
