i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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