I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize