i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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