Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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