If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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