his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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