You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
