she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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