I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
