Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
