That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
