btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize