i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
