You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
