i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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