I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
